the height of debauchery

Friday night, I was lent out to a couple for a scene. It was particularly hot being handed over by my hair and walked into the bedroom like a complete object. The Domme told me to give her boyfriend a lap dance, but got upset that I was paying more attention to her. "I'm sorry, Mistress," I apologized repeatedly with each little mistake, but secretly delighting at the smacks I received. For the first time, I felt the urge to misbehave so I could have more smacks, but I didn't want to disappoint Her and the one who lent me out.

The Domme had me suck on her boyfriend's cock a bit and then on her strap-on dildo. She then proceeded to fuck me with the dildo paired with a vibrator on my clit. Not wanting to leave the boyfriend out, she had him lay down on the bed and had me lay down on top of him. He rubbed my tits as she fucked me, rubbed my clit with the vibrator and gave me an occasional smack. As I got close to orgasm, I wanted permission. "Please, Mistress, may I come?" The Domme liked that a lot. She told me to beg and I pleaded anxiously as it got more intense and harder to hold back. She granted me her permission and I came, falling to the side.

After I had a minute to recover, she then asked me if I had ever licked pussy before. "Yes, Mistress," I said with a big grin. Then she asked me if I liked to lick pussy. I hoped my widened grin and enthusiastic 'yes' would convince her because I wanted the questions to finish so that I could perform. She sat in the chair with her boyfriend standing beside her and sucked his cock while I went down on her. She kept her fingers tight in my hair, which I liked very much. I got bold and snaked a finger into her pussy, but I was firmly reprimanded for not asking permission. I didn't feel too bad because my tongue had her close to orgasm. Her pussy was dripping on the hardwood floor. I kept lightly petting her labia with my index finger and increased my frenzy on her clit until she came. My knees slipped in her juices.

Then she had her boyfriend come in her mouth. She had me open my mouth and passed his cum to me. "Don't swallow," she sternly commanded, and had me pass his cum back to her. That seemed to please her.

She started to pick up the discarded underclothing and I wished she had told me to. I reached out to help and I was chastened for being 'grabby.' The Domme handed me the clothing and we walked out to rejoin the others in the living room. She gave her report and although she tried to keep up her disdain, I could tell that she was very pleased with me.

It was by far the most that I had done with strangers. There were a lot of cherries for me. Although I did indeed have fun, playing with strangers isn't I'm looking for. I much prefer building a power dynamic with an individual and playing with that person. The trust and ease makes for more intense scenes and more intense orgasms.

I feel like with the debauchery of Friday night that I have hit the ceiling of my kinkiness and now it's time to go back down the ladder. With that said, I intend to cease posting to this blog. It has been nice to have a space to share my thoughts and experiences, and I've found some great support from my readers, but I don't need it anymore.

Thank you for reading.

want what?

As predicted Daddy Sadist has been incredibly busy. No play for this songbird. Not in a while.

I've been keeping myself distracted with meeting new people and going on dates. I'm trying to confront my fear that I will be unable to find a kindred spirit that would like to play kinky with me, be sweet to me, and keep me. It hasn't been easy.

Fetlife does little to reassure me. A lot of the folks I find are a mismatch. Not appealing to me or not willing to top me. Despite encouragement from strangers on Twitter, I have given up that I'll find a kindred spirit through that site.

So I wrote a craigslist ad tailored to attract a romantic type. It's been a while since I had any romance in my life. Unfortunately, I only got one answer, and although zie was good at conversation and sweetly kissed my knuckle, I felt no chemistry. And no kinkiness. 

Then, I remembered that I had an OKCupid account and decided to look at it. Lo and behold, a cutie had recently sent me a message asking me about BDSM! What luck!

We've gone on two dates and we seem to be clicking well. I think I have found a kindred spirit. But is zie a kinky spirit? I've carefully woven some questions into our conversations to detect what turns zie on. Either zie is not ready to reveal zirs kinks to me or zie really doesn't know.

That makes me feel a little nervous. Yes, I want to grow a romantic relationship slowly from a foundation of a friendship, but what happens when we get to the play and zie discovers that zie isn't much into kink or our kinks totally do not line up. I want a loving connection and commitment, but I'm not willing to settle for strictly vanilla sex. 

Or worse, I end up the Too Kinky one once again and scare zir away. 

I'm already a challenging puzzle piece to line up, but adding kink to the mix has really turned my dating pool into a puddle.

It could be so much easier to give up on mutual feelings and keep play casual. Stop getting my hopes up for something more and focus on having lots of kinky fun. But is that what I really want?

status

I just logged on to Fetlife.com to update my profile. After all, I am no longer actively 24/7 and no longer collared by Daddy Sadist. It felt a little sad changing my D/s status to 'uncollared.' That word sounds very lonely.

poly problem

Maybe the end of my sixth day without solid food is not the time to write this post, but...

I have a lot of discomfort with the topic of polyamory. 

When I was 20, I dated a woman in an 'open marriage.' I was young and naive. I expected them to be the experts since they were experienced with polyamorous relationships. However, no rules were discussed with me, no boundaries were communicated, and there was no negotiation. I uncomfortably found myself pressured to keep her husband happy as well because he could veto the relationship at any time. His jealousy wasn't hidden from me either. The first time that she and I made love - my first with a woman - her husband was downstairs stomping and breaking things. Left an impression on me. When an unspoken rule was broken and drama resulted, I couldn't take it anymore and had to leave. The hardest part was that she didn't try to convince me to stay. In fact, she seemed relieved. I cried for three weeks.

I'm not opposed to polyamory. I have several poly friends that are fulfilled by their relationships. I, myself, have been in love with more than one person at a time. I think that polyamory is as healthy as more 'traditional' forms of relationships.

What I don't like about polyamory:

• When people tout it as being an 'enlightened' form of relationship. Polyamory is definitely not for everyone. I believe only a very small percentage of the population would be able to thrive with their partner having other partners.
• When people who identify as poly yet cannot communicate or take responsibility for their feelings and thus create poly drama that hurts people around them. Which leads to the last one...
• When non-polyamorous people get hurt because of polyamory. When they are forced to 'deal with' their partner wanting to open up their relationship. When they become the victim of cross-fire between jealous partners. When they settle for less than their needs because they don't know enough about healthy polyamory practices.

Sure, people in monogamous relationships can be poor communicators or get jealous or have flawed relationships in other ways. My discomfort with polyamory is that it affects more people. Therefore more people get hurt when messes are made.

I saw a friend drop zirs secondary partner, then zirs primary partner, and then marry zirs tertiary partner. Zirs growing commitment for zirs tertiary partner left a trail of two heart-broken people. It was difficult for me to be happy about zirs marriage when I witnessed the pain of those two individuals. 

Because of my personal experiences, I have a strong aversion to hearing about polyamorous relationships. Especially if the stories are negative and especially if non-polyamorous people are involved. It makes a cold lump in my stomach.

As of late, poly only works for me if there is no 'amory.' I can do poly with play partners, not romantic partners. I desire to be devoted to one person only. I'm still attached to the romantic idea that I could be enough for someone else and they wouldn't need more.

good to see you again

I just had my post-uncollaring check-in meeting with Daddy Sadist. It was at his new space so the privacy was nice. We cuddled on his bed and briefly chatted. We agreed not to do a collaring right away. "But I'd like to be play partners," he said. "Do you want to be play partners?" As soon as 'yes' was out of my mouth, he pounced me, slapped my face and asked me, "Do you want me to fuck you?"

Asking for consent is totally hot to me, and I wanted him, and wanted to feel our sadism + masochism energy again. "Yes!" I said.

He slapped me around and took me by the hair to face fuck me. Daddy Sadist called me 'rag doll.' "Do you want to be my rag doll? For me to throw around and fuck?" Being called a play thing felt right to me. An objectification that turned me on. It reminds me of when he called me his 'fuck puppet.'

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm on a fast and a result is that my senses are heightened. Feeling his hard cock in my mouth and thrusting deeply into my pussy was like nothing I've experienced before. His slaps, pinches, and caning hurt so incredibly much, but I was able to find the energy and breathe into it. It was also nice that I could make as much noise as I needed to.

My first orgasm was pretty quick to reach, but stretched out in a delicious languid wave with ripples.I thought I was going to leave my body. Daddy Sadist gave me some good slaps that brought me back.

I had to call 'yellow' once and he pressed his body on top of me, fucking me slower. I love feeling that weight and closeness. I also loved Daddy fucking me while I was lying on my stomach, feeling his fingernails dig into my ass cheeks then pausing to give me some whaps.

He and I have done some with choking before, but not as much as this time. It was so incredibly hot for me! I will often hold my own breath right before orgasm. When Daddy Sadist knew that I was about to come, he clamped his hand on my throat. He even covered my mouth and pinched my nose shut until I tapped my safeword. So hot!

He let me suck his cock and then lick his balls until he came. I had missed giving him my mouth.

It was pretty intense. I lost my grasp of English. After, we napped for a little and talked again. Daddy Sadist and I laughed at how we couldn't seem to drop our D/s dynamic. He told me to do things and I did. It was really funny to me.It wasn't like being in his collar. I didn't have the same alert slave-like obedience and pet-like devotion. It just came.

So we're play partners now. I may go over to be his service submissive from time to time. We talked a little about the possibility of doing a collaring again in the future, but we're not going to negotiate that now. We'll just have to see, but right now things feel good.

Especially my pussy.

answers

I'm on the fifth day of a detox fast. I've been spending some of this time in meditation. I've asked questions and gotten the answers I needed. Some of the answers were particularly hard to hear.

I learned that I need to release her completely. No communication at all. As hard as that is, I'm certain that our paths will cross again. Perhaps not in this lifetime, but sometime.

I learned that it is time to work. I need to work on myself: spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. It's a little odd, but I almost feel like a soldier preparing for battle. Things are going to get harder.

I learned that pain from play is healthy. Allowing myself to suffer is not.

I learned that I benefit from play and that I don't want to stop playing now.

I learned that I need to set clearer boundaries with people. I need to advocate for myself more. I need to stop settling for less than I need. Settling is suffering.

heart-broken and confused

The last 10 days, I've been cultivating a friendship with a kindred spirit. You can read about that here. Every moment I spent with her was comfortable, but exciting. I knew with her I could be 100% authentic, my true self. This is something I've been working on. It was also so lovely to have someone that gets you because you have all the important stuff in common.

There was definitely romantic relationship potential and sexual tension.

So when she came over last night, carrying a document tube, I felt my heart beat faster. She has a past in BDSM and has told me about her sadism. She knew about my masochism. Dare I hope?

We talked for quite some time and then she got out the tube. "This is for you," she said, opening it. Sure enough, I saw the black leather handle of a cane. She withdrew two beautiful canes: a thick rattan one, and a unique rawhide one with a lot of whip. I was delighted and tested them out a little on my calves. She sat there quietly looking somber.

My heart dropped when I saw her face. "What do you mean these are for me?"

Then she confirmed my fears. She was giving them to me. She had made the decision to walk away from her sadism and BDSM. But not just that, she was also walking away from me.

She told me about her attraction to me and how much she likes me, but how something just wasn't lining up for her. We talked for hours. We both sat there with distressed faces and tears, but breathing slowly. God, I wanted to hold her so badly, but I couldn't! How unfair! I kept trying to find out why. She had a hard time articulating it, but it became clear to me that I was what she wanted, but not what she needed.

The hardest thing about it was that I had to let her go completely. She couldn't risk forming an attachment. It was too hard for her to be around me.

Despite her multiple reassurances, I can't help but think that my kinkiness is to blame. If I hadn't been with Daddy Sadist when her and I first met then I could have showed her how willing I am to have monogamy, to have a partner. Also, as a healer, she's made the decision that indulging in her sadistic tendencies is not the best for her anymore and she's moving away from BDSM. I've been exploring my masochism and my desire to submit to someone else's will. It doesn't line up. What I want is not what she wants anymore. If I were vanilla, then it could work. She wouldn't be tempted to indulge. She wouldn't feel inadequate and unable to please her lover. 

This is not the first time that my kinkiness has hindered me in forming a romantic relationship. The last two times, I was able to chock it up to simple incompatibility. Ze wasn't a good match. But I've never had so much connection, so much ease, so much mutuality, so much... hope. 

I wish it could be different. I wish that I could be different. I don't know why we came together like this only to part so soon. It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't make sense. I don't know where to go. I don't know if I want to keep playing. I don't know if I want to give up on the hope of finding a partner.

I'm so confused. It hurts.